“Be here now” – But What if Now Sucks?

Be Here Now. The Power of Now. The Naked Now. These books capture current popular thought about the importance of being present to your own life. I am a huge proponent of this idea; I’ve written multiple posts about becoming aware, waking up out of our auto-pilot existence and truly living in each moment.

And still, the question above came to me today. I have more tasks than time right now, and I don’t actually want to do any of them. Prioritizing is hard. People around me are crabby. Now feels pretty sucky.

But here’s the thing. Now doesn’t get better by avoiding it. In our highly distractable culture, it’s easy to escape into my Twitter feed or Facebook page or numb out to streaming Netflix instead of being present to now. Those distractions don’t change the reasons why I feel negative about now.

So, instead of escaping into some happy veneer overlaying now, I choose to take the opportunity to think about WHY my current now feels sucky. As I do this, I see that I don’t like to be hurried because I fear making mistakes, and I know that when there is more to do than can be done, at least one person will be disappointed with me. That also makes me afraid. I see people feeling stressed (a fancy word for fear) and being unkind to others as a result; that makes me sad.

This is just what’s going on with me. You, of course, are triggered by different things and respond in different ways. It’s even possible that something tragic has happened in your life and you’re having a hard time dealing with it. That is okay. That is also now.

The idea behind being in the now is that you let each moment unfold as it does, rather than arguing with reality by insisting that things go your way. Being aware and present isn’t some hippy bliss fantasy; it involves a determination to actually experience your life rather than reacting to everything based on what’s happened in the past or anticipation of what might happen.

Being present, in short, is hard work. It takes practice. It’s a muscle that is seldom flexed and needs lots of conditioning. Lucky us, life keeps exposing us to things that knock up against our personalities – opportunities to practice. If we are willing to slow down even a little and observe our emotions and thoughts, we begin to see our behavior patterns in action. We “catch ourselves in the act,” as Riso & Hudson put it. We loosen the grip of our personalities and can make different choices. We draw closer to our true selves, to God and to our destinies. To me, that outcome is worth the hard practice.

Ultimately, it’s not that “now” sucks. It’s our reaction to it that does. With compassionate self-observation, we can learn to accept what is beyond our control and live with tremendous peace in the midst of what is.

Peace is a Realm, and It Has a Prince

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6)

I’ve heard several of the classic Christmas carols recently that refer to Jesus as the Prince of Peace. That title is certainly not new to me, but this year it struck me: princes rule over realms. Michael Jackson was dubbed the Prince of Pop and presided over pop music in his heyday. The Prince of Darkness…well, darkness is the realm he reigns over. So then, if Jesus is the Prince of Peace, peace must be a realm.

I’m not talking about heaven, that lofty by-and-by where all sorrows and sighing flee away. I’m talking about a realm that we have access to right now – if we can understand that peace and cessation from all trouble are not the same thing.

Jesus said it this way: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (John 14:27) Now, the world can give you peace, for a few moments or hours, by means of a favorite song or TV show, a hobby or recreational drug or _________. But the world is bound by time and circumstance, so its peace has shallow roots and cannot last.

Jesus is not bound by time or circumstance. That’s why his peace isn’t like the world’s. He had peace because he could see the eternal perspective, the larger view high above our light and momentary troubles. His peace emanated from his intimate relationship with the Father in the eternal now.

Peter could speak of a “peace that passes understanding” because our minds don’t naturally understand how to be at peace if things aren’t going our way. Jesus’ peace isn’t chained to what is happening to us at any given moment; he does not give as the world gives. Peace is not an emotion; it is a perspective and a state of being. It is a realm.

About this time last year I wrote about Christmas being a time for stillness. That is still true, and stillness is an excellent way to tap into the peace that lives in our spirits because of Jesus. You see, it’s not a far-off peace that comes down to us. It’s a peace that has already been deposited in us. Peace is a realm, and that realm exists inside us.

So, peace to you at Christmas time, and every other time as well.

Learn to Inhabit the Present

Yesterday, I was walking down the hall and started thinking about something that had happened recently. I was concocting a response to that event, should someone ask me for my perspective. As I was creating a dazzling response in my mind, I walked right past the door I needed to go into.

Who hasn’t done this, right? It’s particularly scary when you’re driving and you realize you’ve been singing along to the radio AND thinking about the first thing you need to do when you get to work—and you don’t remember the last three miles.

While such distractions are commonplace and usually harmless, they are not truly benign. That’s because these events are indicative of the fact that most of the time, we live in the past or the future but not the present. I had been thinking about something that happened (past) and imagining how I would respond (future) rather than focusing on the present activity: going through the right door.

And that’s the crux of this post. In our busy, distracted, non-present lives, we tend to pay attention to everything but what’s in front of us. Often, even when we are paying attention to what’s in front of us, we see it through the lens of what has happened in similar situations before (past) or what might happen (future). Now, in terms of actual safety issues, like a snarling dog running toward you, past/future thinking is a helpful mechanism for survival. But driving to work? Not so much.

In fact, non-present orientation is detrimental to your destiny. Here’s why. Past and future exist only in the mind. That’s not some New Age platitude; it’s reality. The only time frame you can inhabit with your physical body is the present. But we are a mind-heavy culture following the fixations and compulsions of our personalities. Most of the time, we are on autopilot, reacting from the past and projecting into what might be based on our psychological patterns. These patterns taint or altogether smother our ability to see ourselves as we truly are – or God as he truly is.

Just as I was writing this by my favorite pond, I looked up and happened to see that the sunlight was hitting the ripples in the water in such a way that the reflected light hit the branches above so that it looked like pulses of electricity were traveling down the wood. It was beautiful and hypnotic. It seemed like the light was a living thing. All it took for me to notice this was to look up at what was right in front of me. This is the kind of everyday magic that is available to all who will learn to be present.

So, here’s an exercise. Sit somewhere in silence and just look at what’s around you. I recommend a setting of natural beauty, but if that’s not possible, your car or living room will do, too. Actually look at what’s around you. Your brain will get busy categorizing and judging everything within your field of vision – that’s normal. Then your thoughts will go to associations; something you’re seeing will remind you of something else, and you’ll be off on a rabbit trail. Come back from that trail and focus again only on what you’re seeing. No judgements, memories or imagination. Just look.

It sounds easy. It’s incredibly difficult, and it’s worth doing because it will help shut off the autoresponder that is your personality. It will help create a still space where you can hear God and begin to get a feel for who you might be when your personality’s not looking. And for the glorious, unique destiny God has dreamed for you.

Please try this exercise and share what you learned!

The Post-Election Cleanse: How to Center and Move Forward

Well, we made it. The election is over, and we survived. It’s likely that half of you are elated at the seemingly miraculous Trump win, and the other half are devastated by the Clinton loss. For some, you didn’t vote for either of the two main candidates because you were already devastated that these were the choices you had. But we lived through it and now, as Hillary Clinton, president-elect Donald Trump and Barak Obama all said, it’s time to heal the divide.

Now, most of us aren’t in positions of political power; we aren’t the power brokers who can reach across the aisle and make concessions to push deals through. Instead, I’m talking about healing your own heart and any divides you may have created in your relationships at work, at church and at home.

Easier said than done, I know. But here are a few practical things you can do to cleanse your emotional system:

1. Practice stillness: Let go of the noise of news commentators, social media and the voices in your head (especially the Inner Critic). It’s super-easy right now to be gloating and snarky or angry and disappointed; choose not to take that wide path. Sit quietly, eyes closed, with just your own presence. Feel your own breath. Reconnect with the feeling of existing in the eternal now of God.
2. Pray: I’m talking the time-consuming, real-deal, speaking as well as listening kind of prayer. Do some soul-searching. After all, that’s where your personality is, the source of all conflict. Ask God to show you where you missed the mark in how you interacted with others, and if you’re in pain, give that to him. He loves to take it away. If there’s somebody you need to forgive, do that.
3. Mend fences: You may have been right on every point. You may even have received divine revelation about God’s will for this election (which I totally believe is possible, by the way). But, as The Enneagram Institute’s Russ Hudson says, “The cost of being right is love.” For every unloving social media post, send out two filled with compassion and hope. If you’ve argued with someone, what kind act of service can you render them? Write a note or tell them in person that your passion overcame your compassion and that you’d like to start over.
4. Take a break from responsible adulthood: Whether or not your candidate won, it’s been a long 18 months with a lot of emotion and sometimes hard decision-making. Here in California, for instance, the voter guide was 223 pages long! That’s a privilege and an awesome responsibility, and it makes us tired. So, if you haven’t already, do something for yourself that is joyful and life-giving. Me? I’m going Christmas shopping with family this weekend.

If you have any other suggestions on how to get centered and move forward, please share them!

Keeping Busy – Our Culturally Sanctified Addiction

There are a lot of skateboarders in my seaside town, so occasionally I’ll see an official metal sign prohibiting that activity – and, either on the sign or close by, a “Skateboarding is not a crime” sticker. I’d like to borrow that idea and apply this sticker to Western culture: “Stillness is not a crime.”

Because all indications are that it’s considered a punishable offense. The other day, I ran into an acquaintance at the grocery store. I asked him how he was doing and he said, “Oh, keeping busy.” As if he wanted me to know that he had not violated the Prime Directive of human life: to remain in motion at all times. As if he wanted to assure me that he is doing his part to produce and contribute to society.

Where did this idea come from? The longstanding adage “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop” is indicative of this mindset, and it’s just terrible! I’d like to build a time machine so I can go back and prevent that fallacy from becoming part of our vernacular. (And to prevent the creation of the xylophone, but that’s a story for another time.)

We could try to blame the concept of the Protestant work ethic, I suppose. If you look at the basis of this concept here, you’ll see that it’s pretty whacked theologically. Because what this concept comes down to is the age-old trap of the human mind – the idea that we can work for our salvation.

This idea has transcended the God-fearing set. The Wikipedia entry says that “A person does not need to be a religious Calvinist in order to follow the Protestant work ethic, as it is a part of certain cultures…The Protestant work ethic is often credited with helping to define the societies of Northern, Central and Western Europe such as in Scandinavia, Latvia, Estonia, the Netherlands, United Kingdom, Germany and Switzerland.” And of course it travelled across The Pond to the U.S. Hooray.

Of course, industry and thrift have their benefits. Of course it’s important to do good work. But what’s happened is that the Protestant work ethic has devolved into this idea that we can’t be idle without being sinful. It’s made keeping busy our national religion. And that’s messed up.

It permeates our culture, so everyone feels it to some degree; one’s Enneagram Type and level of awareness will determine how much. I’ve already talked about how technology, specifically mobile devices, have ensured that we never have another idle moment in our lives. But they are not the enemy; they would not have caught on if our culture had not been addicted to busy-ness.

Consider this insight from Charles Ringma:

“Life without self-reflection leads to us losing our way. In the words of Henri Nouwen, ‘A life without a quiet center easily becomes destructive.’”

Learning to be quiet and still, and doing it consistently, will help lead to the self-reflection that keeps you from losing your way. In fact, it will help lead you to your true self and to a deeper knowing of God. That’s something no amount of 80-hour work weeks, Facebook or unlimited streaming can offer.

Sometimes the Spiritual Learning Curve is Too Steep

During the learning process, students may become overwhelmed with too much information. The brain, like a sponge, reaches a saturation point at which it can’t take in any more. There’s actually a term for it: cognitive overload. This describes me right now, in the spiritual sense.

That’s because I have a house guest who is too generous a teacher. I’ll call him Joe. He’s someone I’ve only known a little for about 20 years, and when he called to ask if he could stay with us for a week while passing through, I said yes.

Well, it turns out that Joe is the human version of an invasive plant species. He seems to lack the standard understanding of both physical and personal boundaries. He follows oppressively closely when you’re walking. He asks questions that most other humans understand are not appropriate. Instead of staying downstairs, where there is a fully equipped kitchen and sitting area—and where most guests stay—he comes upstairs with his food and his personal belongings and spends most of his time there. He is human kudzu.

The hardest part, though, is that Joe asks a LOT of questions – about everything. As if he were planning to write my biography (unauthorized, of course). “Why are you eating that?” “Why don’t you have children?” “Why do you eat dinner so late?” These questions are almost always phrased in a way that denotes disapproval.

And that is how he is my teacher. His incessant questioning of every action and comment teaches me about how much of me I still feel needs to be defended. If I had no personality structure to defend, these questions wouldn’t bother me at all. But I do, and they do, and it is all part of the spiritual growth curve.

He’s an extrovert, in the MBTI sense, and I am that extremely rare introvert Seven. He wants as much human interaction as possible and I, as little. My dominant instinct is Self-Preservation, so I want to sit alone or with just my husband in my nicely feathered nest. Joe’s dominant instinct is Social; he wants to sit smack-dab in the middle of my nest and dissect it.

At first, I felt guilty. He means well; he has a big heart; he has lived alone for a long time and is lonely. Have compassion, Heath. Be more charitable. He is beloved of God; think about what Jesus would do. Well, number one, Jesus would look him right in the eye with that intense love gaze of his and say one sentence that would blow Joe’s mind and change his life. Number two, all those “guilty” thoughts are the voice of my Inner Critic.

So, I have learned important things during this week:

• I still feel the need to defend my false self from attacks by others’ false selves, more than I thought I did.
• The Inner Critic misses no opportunity to pound you for not measuring up to its impossible and false standards.
• It’s beautiful to have compassion for all Types, for all of God’s precious beloveds – including yourself.
• Sometimes there’s just too much learning going on, and it’s okay to recognize that you just can’t learn any more at that particular time.

One of the great blessings of the Enneagram is the ability to let yourself be who you are in any given moment. Not the idealized self that you’d like to be or that your Inner Critic keeps harping on you to be. It enables you to clearly see your patterns but also to recognize that you are not those patterns. It enables you to say, “I can’t learn any more right now” and eventually not feel ashamed about that.

So, I sincerely thank Joe for being my unwitting teacher, and I bid him a fond farewell. School’s out for a while. Time to take in what I’ve learned; then I can absorb the next lesson.

How the Enneagram Enables Stillness and Presence

Today, just before I ate lunch outside, I looked up and watched the clouds float across the sky and the trees jostle in the light breeze. A leaf fell into the pond and drifted in the current created by its own impact. A grebe paddled by. (Yes, I am blessed to have such a beautiful lunch spot!)

I was mesmerized, not because there was a lot going on, but because whatever was going on seemed effortless and inevitable and perfect. As I sat there in quietness, I suddenly felt a sense of God’s unfolding good will, and how I was a part of it, not just in general but in that very moment. I had a very real feeling of unity with my fellow created things, like we were all humming together the song of creation, certain in our belovedness, worried for nothing. I cried for joy.

Now, don’t worry that I’ve gone off the deep end and think that trees and grebes are equal on the creation hierarchy with humans! Or that I believe we’re all expressions of some nameless cosmic energy and that when we die, we’ll all become part of that universal energy field. Nope, I’m a firm believer that people are God’s crowning creative achievement, that we are individuals and that our eternity will be one of individuals existing in a kind of unity with each other and with God that we can only guess at now.

Except that I think I got a taste of it today. And here’s the kicker: When I logged into Facebook this evening, what did it serve up to me? A “three years ago today” post of an almost identical experience! Then, I was at my husband’s martial arts event, and I felt that sense of connection with other people.

Both times, the experience happened because I made the decision to be present: to set my own time frame and agenda aside and directly experience what was happening right in front of me. I let life actually unfold instead of trying to control it or inject my opinions or demands into it.

And that is how this post ties into the Enneagram. Without learning about my type (Seven, for those who are new here) and without understanding that there was a real me underneath my personality type, I never would have known that there was a need for silence or stillness. In fact, those things previously frightened and bored me, respectively. With the knowledge I have now, though, they transform me.

This is the invitation of the Enneagram. You, reader, have an amazing opportunity right within your grasp. It’s the chance to journey toward your authentic self and to learn how to be still and quiet so that you can experience real, true, beautiful life the way God intended you to live it. Until my book comes out (and probably after, too), I recommend “The Wisdom of the Enneagram” as the best place to start. You can also check out enneagraminstitute.com, which has helpful online paid and free tests.

From the vault: The Genius of the Serenity Prayer

(I’m still a bit behind from my 25th anniversary trip to Hawaii, so as I ramp back up, here’s a reprise of one of my most popular posts.)

Most of us have probably heard the Serenity Prayer at some point in our lives by now. If not, you’re in for a treat:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

These three lines, if put into practice, will radically shift your experience of life. They comprise the very definition of what it means to be present.

Let’s examine the prayer line by line.

1. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

This is the key to being present. It’s also called allowing, not resisting, and my favorite: not arguing with reality. I’m reminded of the turn of phrase I sometimes hear when I ask people how they are: “Can’t complain. Wouldn’t do any good anyway.” Precisely! To accept what you cannot change is to live in constant serenity.

In a traffic jam, it does no good to curse or honk your horn or fume silently. None of these actions or attitudes can change the situation. If, instead, you accept what is—the traffic jam—you can sit in peace, waiting for the circumstances to change. Might even be a nice opportunity to be still and quiet…

2. The courage to change the things I can

There are many circumstances that you can change, however. If your job makes you miserable, you can change that circumstance in several ways: find another job, talk to your boss about how you could possibly make your job less miserable, or transfer to another position in-house. You could even do the inner work of coming to terms about what feels miserable in your job and change by learning to accept it.

I recognize that the last option is not always viable. If, for instance, what makes you miserable is that you know your organization is breaking the law or otherwise acting unethically, that’s not something inner work will resolve. What you can do is be courageous in leaving the company or even blowing the whistle. Which segues nicely into the third phrase of the prayer.

3. And the wisdom to know the difference.

This is the clincher. Some personality types act out of a need to take care of others, and some from a need to right injustice. Every personality has its motives, and because they originate in the mind, they are not always pure and therefore not always trustworthy. This is where the intervention of God’s wisdom comes in.

You may think, due to the particular tenets of your Superego’s message, that a particular situation is unjust – but no one else does. You may instead need to accept that circumstance and understand that your definition of injustice is not universal.

If you are in an abusive relationship, it is critical to recognize that you cannot change the abuser’s behavior. What you can do is courageously choose to leave that toxic circumstance. In this way, you fulfill both parts of the prayer. You accept the reality that the abuser’s behavior will not change, AND you change what you can – your relationship status, by getting out. The wisdom of God is able to cut through the lies of wishful thinking and of helplessness to bring much-needed serenity to your life.

I hope you’ll agree with me that the Serenity Prayer provides a brilliantly succinct roadmap to a peaceful life. May God grant you serenity, courage and wisdom on your journey.

A New Freedom in the New Year: Learning to Hear the False Self

As I prepare for a webinar in mid-January, I’m offering up a post from last year that many of you haven’t seen. After you read it, I’d love to know your reaction. Did you learn something new? Is there anything you disagreed with? Let me know on Facebook or Twitter what you thought about it!

The Superego’s nine primary messages are non-objective,  based on fallacies and punitive in nature. The Superego gives you gold stars for obeying its mandates, like “Don’t wear that tie; it makes you stand out too much” or “Don’t wear that tie; it makes you look invisible” or “Don’t wear a tie; it makes you look desperate.” You get an inner “Yes” of approval and safety when you obey the seemingly all-knowing Superego. When you decide to do something different, like wear that tie anyway, you get a Superego demerit. That feels like an inner “Bad boy!” or “Bad girl!” and that feels unsafe. It doesn’t sit well, so you feel uneasy and are more apt to obey that inner voice next time.

Here’s what Riso & Hudson have to say about the Superego’s messages:

““…if we listen more closely, we may see that they are not only arbitrary and subjective but also coercive or damaging. They present us with increasingly impossible standards to live up to, for which we always pay a heavy price. If we feel anxious, depressed, lost, hopeless, fearful, wretched or weak, we can be sure that our superego is on duty.” (The Wisdom of the Enneagram)

Feeling anxious, depressed, lost, hopeless, fearful, wretched or weak is not our birthright as Christians. Rather, the kingdom of God (which, don’t forget, is WITHIN US) is righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. Therefore, the Superego is ripping us off of the true, real, good things that are rightfully ours. It means well, but its guidance is a substitute for the inner guidance that’s available from our spirits – where God abides in us.

Remember from the last post that the mind creates the Ego/personality and its own overlord, the Superego. This happens as the mind is frantically trying to replace a sense of lost connection with God and the true self in our early childhood, and this Ego/Superego combo is the best it can do. It serves us well initially and is in fact necessary for our human development, but it’s not meant to be our permanent state. What happens is that we become so identified with this combo that we think it’s who we are.

But it’s not. You are NOT your personality. That is not your authentic, essential self. So, the key to growth and freedom is to begin to disidentify with the false self. There are a variety of ways to do this. Here’s one: learn to distinguish and disagree with the voice of the Superego.

Any judgement, positive or negative, about yourself or others or situations comes from the Superego. I know this can be hard to hear for Christians, who want to reply, “But, but, isn’t it the Holy Spirit?” Here’s how to tell the difference. The Holy Spirit convicts without condemning; He never makes you feel devalued. And He never rips on other people! The Superego, on the other hand, will make you feel like you have failed, or like someone else doesn’t measure up. Even if you are getting a Superego pat on the back, it’s a back-handed compliment. For example: “Good for you for exercising today” actually means “You are not acceptable if you don’t exercise X number of times per week.” Any performance-based grading is Superego-originated.

So, learning to recognize this voice is crucial. I recommend keeping a Superego journal and writing down every message you hear it giving you. Do this without judgement of yourself; your true self is actually not involved in this process! Once you can distinguish this voice, it’s time to disagree. You can disarm the Superego by laughing at it, or over-agreeing with it. For instance, if you hear “Don’t eat that; you’ll get fat,” you can reply with “You’re right, Superego. In fact, I’m never eating again!” I used to laugh out loud at my Superego messages; now I do an internal, exaggerated “Ha ha ha!” or say, “Oh, Superego, you’re so silly.”

These reactions freak the Superego out! It doesn’t know what to do; it’s not used to being openly defied. It takes its job quite seriously; it thinks it’s saving your life. Injecting humor into this self-serious situation is great for diffusing tension and breaking the Superego spell.

You can also shout at the Superego, or tell it to shut up, or throw an imaginary hand grenade at it. Experiment! Each of us has a Superego with its own volume and degree of sternness. Some people’s are downright mean. I attended a couple of Diamond Heart trainings on the Superego, where I learned these wonderful techniques, and a man there said his Superego regularly told him things like “You’re a loser” and “No one will ever love you.” Ouch. Those are definitely messages that need to be shut down.

I do hope you’ll experiment and share your experiences below. Do your self the favor of letting go of the false burden, the impossible standards, of the Superego. Let me know if you have any questions, too.

Christmas is a Time for Stillness

The star came to rest over a little stable in Bethlehem. Three wise men travelled from a far country to bring gifts the baby that lay within. When they entered that stable, they found the baby and his parents, surrounded by worshippers. A shepherd was posting photos of the newborn king to Instagram. A villager chatted to a friend on her cellphone about how calm and bright the scene was. An angel was texting a status report to God. Just outside the stable, another would-be worshipper was making a list of all the tasks he had to finish before he could go inside.

Oh. Holy. Night.

This season is billed in one popular song as the most wonderful time of the year, but it has become the busiest time. I think it’s a pretty neat trick of the enemy to encourage us to fill up our holiday schedules with so many fun to-dos that we become stressed out and exhausted – and sometimes even cranky. (If you’ve ever been Christmas shopping in a mall, you’ve probably met a person like this; I’m sure you never get cranky.) And we miss the point of Christmas altogether.

The point of my opening paragraph isn’t that social media or modern technology are evil. It’s that they are examples of how we make ourselves constantly busy and, therefore, constantly unavailable to God. If Jesus came into the world now, would we even know how to be still before him?

So, this year, let’s take a cue from the nativity scene set up in my living room. The whole cast of characters is there – the holy family, a shepherd, animals, wise men and an angel. Here’s what I love about nativity scenes: every figure (including the animals) is completely focused on Jesus. No one is doing anything else but looking at him. Every time I pass by it, I hear “O come let us adore him” in my head.

It’s hard to adore someone when you’re multi-tasking! Just try doing that with your significant other and see how it goes over. My sincere recommendation is that you add to your long holiday list, “Be still before Jesus. Adore him.” And then put it on the top of your list and don’t do anything else until that item has been accomplished.

May your Christmas be calm and bright, and may there be some stillness in it.